Sooner or later when writing a memoir, or even notes for a memoir, you’ll get to some tough bits. There are sorrows, hurtful experiences, damaging relationships and many other things that give pain in most lives. How are you going to deal with that?
You could of course choose to ignore these hurts and sorrows and move on. This is a strategy that may be useful in some contexts when you don’t have the supports you need, or the time for extended reflection to deal with these important things appropriately.
It doesn’t work to postpone the reflection indefinitely, but it makes good sense to have the back up and the time you need to address them.
And if the time to tackle the sorrows and tough bits is now, how do you do that safely and with caring for yourself?
There are some of us who just jump into the mess and try to get it all over with, like pulling a sticky bandage off quickly. This may occasionally work, but it certainly isn’t easy, and doesn’t necessarily make things go faster or with less pain. If you are attracted to this method, try it, see if it works for you, and if it doesn’t, consider another option.
Reflection on the pain and sorrows of one’s life, for whatever reason we do that, is a process and damn if process doesn’t have its own rules and take its own sweet time. Ask me how I know…
The main things we need to consider when we decide it is time to view some of life’s hurts and sorrows is–are we safe? Do we have the supports we need for when it all feels too much to bear alone (friends we trust, a therapist perhaps)?
Do we in fact have a plan?
A plan?
Just as you can choose to look at the tough bits as part of a life review or memoir process, you can choose how you will go about that. Do you feel it would be easier to cope if you did this work (for it is work) when you have the house to yourself, a couple of hours a week? If you think that might work for you, then schedule it. Decide what hour(s) of the week you will devote to this reflection and writing. At the end of the time, schedule another time and then walk away.
Simple, right?
No, of course not. Here is what tends to happen:
1. You honour the need to do the self reflection and look at the tough bits, and you feel good and even courageous about that.
2. You do not let the sorrow and muck take over your life, nor are you living the entire time of this reflection in the past.
3. You set clear boundaries.
4. You get it done.