Regrets

As you spend time reflecting on your life for your life writing or memoir project, you will encounter regrets. Roads not taken, friendships not maintained, doubts about your responses to difficulties or opportunities. It goes with the territory. No life lived fully can be entirely without regrets.

What do we do with or about such regrets? Ignore them? Tell ourselves to get over it? That doesn’t work all that well. We need to face our regrets, without guilt, self-blame, shame, or anything except simple curiosity.

Regrets are often made up of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, which are rarely realistic. Most of us tend to forget that we did the best we knew how at the time, with the knowledge, resources, emotional maturity and courage we possessed then. Yes, maybe that’s all different now, you’re older, have more experience, and greater courage to bring to bear on your life today. But then, in the past, you had what you had then, not what you have now.

It is far kinder and more realistic to honour who you were then instead of listing all the things you should have been able to see, know or do. Seems to me the ‘shoulds’ always spell trouble.

Some regrets we can actually do something about. Maybe you regret not finishing your education. Once you acknowledge that for whatever reasons it wasn’t the right time for that, you could explore taking courses to complete that program or degree.  Or you regret that you lost touch with a particular friend when life took you in a different direction–look her up, it’s easy enough with the internet.

There are regrets from childhood too. If you wanted to learn a musical instrument or to sing but the family story was that your sister had more talent and even if she had no interest, she was given lessons. Nothing prevents you from signing up for piano or voice lessons now.

Perhaps you had a difficult childhood and there are still wounds that pain you, all these years later. Volunteer with a youth group, become an in-school mentor, be there for a youngster in a significant way (Big Brothers, Big Sisters) and those regrets and even the wounds soon fade.

Regrets that you don’t do anything about, whatever you choose to do that is meaningful for you, are a waste of your precious life energy. You have two choices when faced with your regrets: either do something about them, or let them go. Do whatever works best for you.

What regrets do you still have and how are you transforming them?