Writing a memoir is first a self reflection exercise and only second, a distant second at that, something you may want to circulate to family and friends or publish.  There’s nothing that requires you to publish something just because you wrote it.

Memoir writing is a process, and you can stop once the process is complete for you. It is your decision, no one else’s.

You may feel compelled to explore only one aspect of your life. For example, a troubling, humbling or passionate relationship requires you to reflect on it so you can better understand what it means to you and what you have learned or may yet need to learn from it. This exploration and writing is for you alone and there is nothing wrong with that. You may at some future time feel that what you have discovered merits crafting into a story, but that will be a very different process from your initial writing to understand.

Crafting a memoir once you have done the exploration of your life stories, significant events, and themes is a completely different task than writing to see what you think.  In the first instance you are an archaeologist of the past working on likely hunches about what there is to find, digging in lots of places, on the chance that you’ll find something of value to you.  Once those finds are recovered the hard work of analyzing and integrating them into your life story begins.  Finally, if you choose to do so, you can write up your report–a formal memoir, with all the tools of the writer’s craft to help you create the finished piece.

This is always much more work than we expect when first we think we’d like to create a memoir.  Rare is the person (and that may be fantasy) who sits down and writes a memoir in one blazing draft.  And I wonder, what would be the point of that in any case? There are nuances and gifts in our stories, why would we rush through them and miss all that?

The person who begins the memoir process, will grow in understanding and become a more fully alive and aware adult. For me that’s the point of the exercise. Rushing your exploration notes to print does you a disservice and will only annoy potential readers.

As always, I welcome your thoughts in the comments.

It’s winter, the days are short and often cold. It’s difficult to get going at anything as we focus instead on staying warm and eating comfort food. Motivation is in a definite slump.

Winter is also a perfect season for self reflection, musing on our lives and indulging in our memories. This is the important background work for any life writing or memoir project. You may not be writing much at this point, but thinking counts as memoir work too.  You’ll want to remember this as you get further into your project.

Ideally you’ll be making a few notes, or lists; jotting down ideas or names of people or events as you do this deep thinking. You might want to dig through some of your family photographs and do some musing on them too.

When motivation is low, rather than beat yourself up about that, do something else that will help you come back to focus and forward movement eventually.  If you’re not sure what that is, try a free writing exercise.

Pick a word at random from a book or magazine, or ask someone to suggest one and write for ten minutes (timing yourself) about what ever that word suggests. You may or may not actually use the word for anything other than to get you started and what you write may be ‘all over the place’.  Not a problem, you’re using your writing muscles and getting a little exercise, that’s enough.

Life writing is an opportunity to enjoy all the events and people of your life in a new and likely even more interesting way.

Why?

Now you have something delicious called perspective, and a wealth of experience that enables you to fully grasp the significance of what you’ve been through, you’ll see what you learned and how important that learning is. You’ll recognize those beautiful serendipitous coincidences that brought you to the right place at the right time, and introduced you to valued friends, partners and opportunities.

You’ll see the bigger picture and what could be more life affirming than that?  You will begin to see the meaning of some of what has come into your life, be able to acknowledge the connections, the themes and the importance of those in your life.

Once you have the main people, events and memories noted, you can begin the process of crafting your story to share with loved ones.

I’m creating a Memory Workbook to help you sketch the important bits, and to help spark your memories. I’ll be releasing it in the next few weeks. In the meantime, get yourself a notebook, find a comfortable pen, and start jotting down things you remember. Make a list, it doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.

Let me know how it’s going in the comments.

There are times in life when the only way to find clarity is to write the hard stuff. We all have some of that, and fortunate the folks who don’t have very much.  No matter whether it is a little or a lot, its tough and sorrowful.

Clarity is not the only thing to be gained from tackling and writing about the hard and painful bits of one’s life. There is also, eventually, the possibility for resolution and even peace around the issues. Not easy, rarely a fast process, but definitely a possibility.

What exactly do you save your life from? The main risks are bitterness and living a half life (with the other half caught up in keeping the hurt from surfacing).  It is very difficult to bring joy into your life if all your energy is going into keeping the lid on sorrow and pain. We fool ourselves into believing that’s easier, get stuck on a roller coaster of busyness going so fast we’re always near ready to drop with exhaustion, but at least we don’t have to think or feel anything.

Facing the hurt and sorrow on the page is much less draining and a lot more life affirming than always running to out-distance yourself from it.

Yes, it’s a risk, no one can guarantee that it won’t hurt like hell. Chances are good that it will be a cathartic pain, that will lead you to resolution because you have left the burden of it on the page. No, you won’t forget either the pain or the sorrow, but you’ll have something you may never have imagined you could have–a new perspective.

Is it worth it? I believe so. In my experience it was, if that’s any help to you. All it takes is courage and commitment–you have plenty of that to draw from or you wouldn’t be reading this!

Let me know how it is working for you in the comments.

As you spend time reflecting on your life for your life writing or memoir project, you will encounter regrets. Roads not taken, friendships not maintained, doubts about your responses to difficulties or opportunities. It goes with the territory. No life lived fully can be entirely without regrets.

What do we do with or about such regrets? Ignore them? Tell ourselves to get over it? That doesn’t work all that well. We need to face our regrets, without guilt, self-blame, shame, or anything except simple curiosity.

Regrets are often made up of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, which are rarely realistic. Most of us tend to forget that we did the best we knew how at the time, with the knowledge, resources, emotional maturity and courage we possessed then. Yes, maybe that’s all different now, you’re older, have more experience, and greater courage to bring to bear on your life today. But then, in the past, you had what you had then, not what you have now.

It is far kinder and more realistic to honour who you were then instead of listing all the things you should have been able to see, know or do. Seems to me the ‘shoulds’ always spell trouble.

Some regrets we can actually do something about. Maybe you regret not finishing your education. Once you acknowledge that for whatever reasons it wasn’t the right time for that, you could explore taking courses to complete that program or degree.  Or you regret that you lost touch with a particular friend when life took you in a different direction–look her up, it’s easy enough with the internet.

There are regrets from childhood too. If you wanted to learn a musical instrument or to sing but the family story was that your sister had more talent and even if she had no interest, she was given lessons. Nothing prevents you from signing up for piano or voice lessons now.

Perhaps you had a difficult childhood and there are still wounds that pain you, all these years later. Volunteer with a youth group, become an in-school mentor, be there for a youngster in a significant way (Big Brothers, Big Sisters) and those regrets and even the wounds soon fade.

Regrets that you don’t do anything about, whatever you choose to do that is meaningful for you, are a waste of your precious life energy. You have two choices when faced with your regrets: either do something about them, or let them go. Do whatever works best for you.

What regrets do you still have and how are you transforming them?

I have stash of photographs from my childhood years, a few from the years I was married and progressively fewer as I get older. There were years in my 30′s and 40′s when I wish I’d taken more photos and had more taken of me to record what I was doing, and how I looked.

Memories are embedded in any photograph and that’s why we keep them, never edit or toss out even the really rotten ones because it’s the only one showing a favourite friend or place or the only record of a trip.

So how can we use photos to jog memories loose and write them down?

The short answer is that it depends on your project. If you are writing about a trip you took with your mother, you can gather the mementos and photographs relating to the trip and use them to build your story of the trip. If you are looking for a detail regarding something in your childhood, you will want to search all the relevant photographs in the years you think might yield that information.

If you are trying to access a memory the process is slightly different. First, you will search any photograph that seems related to that time. Do a preliminary search through your photos and make a stack of those you think may be useful. If your photos are all in albums, you will want to figure out how to select them without trashing your albums. This process tends to work better with loose photos. Then take a break, a few days, a month, whatever feels right, but take a break.

When you are ready to look at the photos again, choose a time when you will not be disturbed for a couple of hours, when you are not distracted by other stuff in your life, and without tv or radio in the background. You need a clear mind for this part of the process. Turn your stack of photos upside down. One at a time, turn each photograph upright and look at it closely. If you feel or notice something, a pull, an emotional charge, put the photo to one side. If you don’t feel anything in particular, put that photo on another pile. Your object here is to do a sort through your photos noticing which ones have something to say to you, and which ones don’t.  You may change your mind later, but for now, don’t worry about that.

Now you have two stacks of photos. Go through the stack of photos that didn’t seem to speak to you.  Are there any that you want to move to the other stack?

Spread the photos that you feel some emotional charge from on the floor (if there are a lot) or on a large table. Do these photos ‘tell a story’? Do you see connections or themes? Are the same people in most of the photos? Spend a bit of time just looking at the photos around you, then gather them up and put them in an envelope or box so they are kept separate from the rest of your photos.

Once the photos are gathered, take 20 minutes and write your impressions of the experience, whatever comes to mind, feelings, memories, ideas, anything at all. Don’t worry if it isn’t a story yet, that will come. Right now you need to capture your more immediate reactions.

Searching through your photographs can be a big emotional event. Take some time to process it, write about it for a week or so, but don’t go back to the photographs yet.

Let me know in the comments how this worked for you…

There are two sorts of people that I know, those who think about their lives and situations and those who would rather do almost anything so that they don’t have to spend a single second in self reflection. Self reflection for the latter group is apparently self indulgent, selfish, stupid and a waste of time.

Now from long observation I notice that folks who take the time for self reflection have a clearer sense of who they are, and who they are not. They know what they think, have a sense of their values and where their personal line in the sand is drawn.

The group which believes all reflection is a waste of time, seem to me to be loose cannons in their own lives and too often in the lives of others as well.

We are not born knowing how to do positive self reflection. Some of us grew up in chaotic households and married into hectic ones, leaving us barely enough time to dress or shower in peace, never mind an extended and quiet time for thinking. Others of us had intense and demanding work lives, and we all know that parenting the young leaves little time for much else.

As we approach our 50′s or as our children begin to leave the nest, things begin to quiet down somewhat. There’s an opportunity to take an hour or a weekend perhaps, just to think. This is a challenge for anyone, but particularly for those who have never done it. The sense that time is running out, or certainly that it is finite makes us want to rush into doing more and more and more. Only thing is, without the self reflection, how do we know what to do that is satisfying or even what it is important to do in this particular life stage?

Engaging in a life-review or beginning to write memoir stories or sketches is a kind-to-the-sensibilities entry to self reflection.

It should be noted that self reflection is a necessary part of adult development, but becomes more important as we get older. We need to think about where we’ve been so that we can chart a direction for the future that has purpose and meaning.

Learning to be alone with yourself, facing your truth, discovering and exploring your interests, passions, curiosity, finding out what you really think and feel about everything in your life is like exploring a new and wondrous frontier. You never know what you might find or what might be required of you when you do find it.

This is anything but a self indulgent waste of time, it a essential part of your development into a healthy and vital older adult. I suggest it is even the making of wisdom.

• Are you comfortable with self reflection?
• Do you have a favourite place where you find it easier to engage in self reflection?
• What does self reflection mean to you?

When first sitting down to write a memoir you may have only a couple of events that really stand out, so that’s where you will logically begin.

Then what?

Here’s something to try to bring more of your stories to the surface. Take at least three sheets of  8.5 x 11 inch paper and tape them together so that you have a nice long horizontal sheet of paper. Now draw a line in the middle of the pages, from end to end. This is your time line. Starting at the left side, make a note of your birth and date/year. Now, working toward the right, place significant events on your time line, noting the event and the year. Don’t worry about details at this point, just the year and the event.

Most time line charts I’ve seen begin with the big life events and only later add in the smaller supporting events and cast of characters. Do whatever works best for you, as long as you have as much detail as possible.  Over several days, continue to add details, since this activity will spark more memories.

The time line is a graphic representation of all the major events and significant people in your life. You may want to post it in your writing space as a visual outline, or keep it with your writing notebook.  You could also get out coloured pencils or markers and use them to show links between events over the course of your life.

Looking at one’s life from the perspective of a time line is a fascinating first step in the memoir writing journey.

Give it a try and let me know what you think about the task in the comments.

A memoir can be anything that records your life. A written memoir is just one of many options.

Photographs, if you have a lot of them, supplemented by written stories is another method to capture your life memories. You can use your photos in an album with pages of text to accompany them or build a comprehensive and colourful scrap book using photos and images of significant artifacts you have saved.

Do you have ticket stubs from events you attended? Brochures of places you have visited? Lovely notes from friends, colleagues or clients? Anything you value can find a place in your memoir and will tell part of your life story.

One of my personal treasures is a small chapbook that I created in nursery school before I left Holland. I’m looking for an interesting way to use it to tell the story of the major life event of moving from Europe to Canada when I was five years old.

The story of that move, and all that it entailed are critical to who I grew up to be. It has a historical as well as personal context. My emigration was part of a larger picture of post-war emigration of Dutch citizens to Canada in the early 1950′s. There were also important family dynamics and issues to this move that continued to impact my life for many years.

Part of the story is also surely the visit to my beloved grandmother, 38 years later when I was on book tour, to honour the promise I made as a five year old to tell her about my life in Canada. Between these two events there are many stories and I can create a memoir using just these two life markers and filling in as much or as little as I like.

Do you have any linked life events that you can use to build your memoir? How will you go about it?

Sooner or later when writing a memoir, or even notes for a memoir, you’ll get to some tough bits. There are sorrows, hurtful experiences, damaging relationships and many other things that give pain in most lives. How are you going to deal with that?

You could of course choose to ignore these hurts and sorrows and move on. This is a strategy that may be useful in some contexts when you don’t have the supports you need, or the time for extended reflection to deal with these important things appropriately.

It doesn’t work to postpone the reflection indefinitely, but it makes good sense to have the back up and the time you need to address them.

And if the time to tackle the sorrows and tough bits is now, how do you do that safely and with caring for yourself?

There are some of us who just jump into the mess and try to get it all over with, like pulling a sticky bandage off quickly. This may occasionally work, but it certainly isn’t easy, and doesn’t necessarily make things go faster or with less pain. If you are attracted to this method, try it, see if it works for you, and if it doesn’t, consider another option.

Reflection on the pain and sorrows of one’s life, for whatever reason we do that, is a process and damn if process doesn’t have its own rules and take its own sweet time. Ask me how I know…

The main things we need to consider when we decide it is time to view some of life’s hurts and sorrows is–are we safe?  Do we have the supports we need for when it all feels too much to bear alone (friends we trust, a therapist perhaps)?

Do we in fact have a plan?

A plan?

Just as you can choose to look at the tough bits as part of a life review or memoir process, you can choose how you will go about that. Do you feel it would be easier to cope if you did this work (for it is work) when you have the house to yourself, a couple of hours a week? If you think that might work for you, then schedule it. Decide what hour(s) of the week you will devote to this reflection and writing.  At the end of the time, schedule another time and then walk away.

Simple, right?

No, of course not. Here is what tends to happen:

1. You honour the need to do the self reflection and look at the tough bits, and you feel good and even courageous about that.

2. You do not let the sorrow and muck take over your life, nor are you living the entire time of this reflection in the past.

3. You set clear boundaries.

4. You get it done.